"This piece is a transcription of "sogaretoldme vol.01, Japanese edition," lightly expanded and then translated into each language."
*
The four-hour voice memo
(A friend suddenly sent a four-hour, podcast-like audio file. Two hours of detail about the regional-revitalization projects he'd been part of these past few years, and then a report about getting a job. That was roughly the flow.)
The thing is, right after listening to that four-hour podcast, I actually tried recording something on a voice memo too, but maybe because I slipped into a "let me record this properly" frame of mind, I over-explained. So I deleted that file. I thought doing it podcast-style wouldn't be bad, that I'd get to it whenever I felt like it โ and then a little time slipped by. This time I figured I could just reply with this audio. I have no idea what kind of vibe it'll turn into until I finish recording, so I guess I'll just see as I go.
(This piece is that recorded voice memo, transcribed and lightly edited so it reads a little more clearly for everyone in Taiwan.)
When a four-hour audio file lands, what does everyone feel, I wonder. Then again, that kind of thing doesn't usually happen, does it.
(He usually sends a long piece of writing once every six months. Like a diary, or a little like an essay. Something like a letter.)
Looking for a home
To talk about myself: I was in Germany for ten months, came back to Taiwan at the end of March โ. Ten months go by and all kinds of things have changed. That shop's gone now, and so on. Not only that โ rent and land prices in Taipei are up now, and trying to find a place at the same price and same conditions as before I left for Germany has gotten pretty hard. So I figured it'd take about a month of house-hunting after coming back, and during that stretch I'd stay somewhere short-term or a hotel, and quickly find a place โ that was the plan.
But as luck would have it, right after arriving in Taiwan, the room next to where a friend was living happened to be empty, and he said, come on over. So, OK OK, like that. The timing where you can casually say "OK OK" doesn't come around all the time. When you want to be settled, you can't be that casual. And I had this desire to get back into Taiwan's chaos โ chaotic compared to Germany, though Germany's chaotic too โ that messy feeling, so anyway, "OK, OK." Casually, I became a friend's roommate.
This was pretty much the first time. Having a proper "roommate." One is a friend I've known a long time. The other is his classmate from the university theater department. That room was going to be lived in by the friend's friend starting in June, so he said I could stay until the end of May while it was empty. So after moving in around March 19th? or so, I kept house-hunting while living there โ one month, then another month. If I found a place I'd move out right away, and if I didn't, he said I could extend to the very last minute โ that was roughly the arrangement. I could've forced myself to find something, but I wanted to find a place I liked, where I could settle.
Rent is a bit higher than Tokyo. Trying to find a place with the same conditions as Tokyo gets expensive. Wanting a balcony, a bathtub, and a room with proper sunlight and windows makes it really expensive. But if I'm going to spend a certain amount anyway, I wanted a place I'd be satisfied with โ and even so, it just wouldn't turn up. The number I'd had in my head kept climbing and climbing. Everyone uses an app called 591 to look, but once a listing goes up โ (it doesn't turn into a scramble like Germany) โ the good places basically get snatched right away by the people glued to the site. I was glued to it too, and still couldn't find anything.
Honestly, compared to before, I'm at least working properly now, and I want to live in a proper home. Proper meaning, for example, a place where I can make music at midnight or in the morning or at noon without worrying; since I often work remotely from home, a place where I can work comfortably at home too; a place people can come to when they want, where people can gather โ I wanted to find a place that met those conditions. And really, at the very last minute at the end of May, the next place got decided. Right down to the wire before I had to move out. But I kept thinking, what do I do here. If I couldn't find anything, I figured I'd go to one of those so-called weekly apartments, but moving over and over is exhausting, isn't it.
But โ when I went from Taiwan to Germany, I threw out quite a lot of stuff. I honestly can't really remember what that feeling was. The very act of being in Taiwan for eight years and then going to Germany โ there really were things I'd piled up over eight years, and when you're going to challenge yourself somewhere else for this and that reason, you can't hold onto all of it. Things matter, but I just wanted to travel light, and with that feeling I threw a lot away. So even coming back, it was only about three or four boxes' worth. But moving is still such a pain. The displays, the monitors I use now โ I took them to Germany and brought them back to Taiwan. Three. Three 27-inch monitors, and with the computer it's like four screens, that's how I usually work. So I have to buy a desk to match them, and I want to keep the number of moves as low as I can.
The preamble got really long, but โ a place with sunlight coming in, where sound doesn't seem to leak much, high ceilings, kind of like a loft, a home I really love โ I found it. With this, it seems like everyone can gather too. (Maybe it's a reaction, but right now I really want to hear everyone's stories, to absorb them. All kinds of things. So โ everyone, come visit!)
Rent is a bit higher than Tokyo. Trying to find a place with the same conditions as Tokyo gets expensive. Wanting a balcony, a bathtub, and a room with proper sunlight and windows makes it really expensive. But if I'm going to spend a certain amount anyway, I wanted a place I'd be satisfied with โ and even so, it just wouldn't turn up. The number I'd had in my head kept climbing and climbing. Everyone uses an app called 591 to look, but once a listing goes up โ (it doesn't turn into a scramble like Germany) โ the good places basically get snatched right away by the people glued to the site. I was glued to it too, and still couldn't find anything.
Honestly, compared to before, I'm at least working properly now, and I want to live in a proper home. Proper meaning, for example, a place where I can make music at midnight or in the morning or at noon without worrying; since I often work remotely from home, a place where I can work comfortably at home too; a place people can come to when they want, where people can gather โ I wanted to find a place that met those conditions. And really, at the very last minute at the end of May, the next place got decided. Right down to the wire before I had to move out. But I kept thinking, what do I do here. If I couldn't find anything, I figured I'd go to one of those so-called weekly apartments, but moving over and over is exhausting, isn't it.
But โ when I went from Taiwan to Germany, I threw out quite a lot of stuff. I honestly can't really remember what that feeling was. The very act of being in Taiwan for eight years and then going to Germany โ there really were things I'd piled up over eight years, and when you're going to challenge yourself somewhere else for this and that reason, you can't hold onto all of it. Things matter, but I just wanted to travel light, and with that feeling I threw a lot away. So even coming back, it was only about three or four boxes' worth. But moving is still such a pain. The displays, the monitors I use now โ I took them to Germany and brought them back to Taiwan. Three. Three 27-inch monitors, and with the computer it's like four screens, that's how I usually work. So I have to buy a desk to match them, and I want to keep the number of moves as low as I can.
The preamble got really long, but โ a place with sunlight coming in, where sound doesn't seem to leak much, high ceilings, kind of like a loft, a home I really love โ I found it. With this, it seems like everyone can gather too. (Maybe it's a reaction, but right now I really want to hear everyone's stories, to absorb them. All kinds of things. So โ everyone, come visit!)
Honestly, compared to before, I'm at least working properly now, and I want to live in a proper home. Proper meaning, for example, a place where I can make music at midnight or in the morning or at noon without worrying; since I often work remotely from home, a place where I can work comfortably at home too; a place people can come to when they want, where people can gather โ I wanted to find a place that met those conditions. And really, at the very last minute at the end of May, the next place got decided. Right down to the wire before I had to move out. But I kept thinking, what do I do here. If I couldn't find anything, I figured I'd go to one of those so-called weekly apartments, but moving over and over is exhausting, isn't it.
But โ when I went from Taiwan to Germany, I threw out quite a lot of stuff. I honestly can't really remember what that feeling was. The very act of being in Taiwan for eight years and then going to Germany โ there really were things I'd piled up over eight years, and when you're going to challenge yourself somewhere else for this and that reason, you can't hold onto all of it. Things matter, but I just wanted to travel light, and with that feeling I threw a lot away. So even coming back, it was only about three or four boxes' worth. But moving is still such a pain. The displays, the monitors I use now โ I took them to Germany and brought them back to Taiwan. Three. Three 27-inch monitors, and with the computer it's like four screens, that's how I usually work. So I have to buy a desk to match them, and I want to keep the number of moves as low as I can.
The preamble got really long, but โ a place with sunlight coming in, where sound doesn't seem to leak much, high ceilings, kind of like a loft, a home I really love โ I found it. With this, it seems like everyone can gather too. (Maybe it's a reaction, but right now I really want to hear everyone's stories, to absorb them. All kinds of things. So โ everyone, come visit!)
Staying in between
It's just that the landlord said I couldn't move in until June 15th. While I was wondering what to do until then, Leo Wang said, come crash at my place for two weeks. His house is out a ways from Taipei, with a courtyard, a dog, a huge first floor, a rooftop and all. Same as at the end of March, "OK OK." A casual mood. I stayed at his place for two weeks โ from around June 1st to the 10th, I think.
In the end, the landlord opened the place up early and I could move in before two weeks were up. As for life during that stretch โ from Leo Wang's house to Taipei it's about 40, 50 minutes by car. It's not that far, really, but you wind along mountain roads, and in the morning or evening the commuters and traffic into Taipei get a bit backed up. Anyway I had all sorts of errands in Taipei, so for about ten days I lived driving the car he lent me, going into Taipei and back. In other words, this feeling of it taking an hour to get anywhere โ it was like way back when I lived in Tokyo, the commute from Sumiyoshi to Azabu. So, which album should I listen to today โ that kind of thing, I could actually enjoy it.
And right at that point, the friend suddenly sent that four-hour voice memo, and I was like, come on, four hours. I wanted to set aside time to listen to it all at once, but it doesn't go that easily. So I figured, since each way is a bit under an hour, I'd finish it in about two or three days. It happened to be right before moving into the next place, so I was going to IKEA and buying all kinds of things, prepping the new home. Round trips of about an hour each way to the big IKEA in Xinzhuang, and over a few days I finished listening.
Until it circles back to the driving force
(This friend and I went to the same middle and high school; we've known each other fifteen years now. He spends his time thinking about things and ideas, and started university about five years later than usual.)
I was just talking about my impressions with another friend. That friend said he knew right away, as soon as he started listening, that it was about job-hunting. I didn't catch that at all โ am I dumb, or was it because I was driving. So really, for the first stretch I kept chasing the specific things he was saying and all the proper nouns, trying to keep up, but I couldn't quite get in. But a podcast you listen to in the car is kind of like that, isn't it.
When you turn right and turn left, the content doesn't land in your ears, some of it slips away, but I figured that's just how it is. Listening along to all the specifics, then after all these specifics, when I heard him say "this, this is how I decided my path" โ I thought, of course, that's him. Something landed.
This too, normally โ the "this spring I decided to go to such-and-such" thing that's one, two, three lines โ a life has all kinds of context, but in most cases people leave that out and just explain the conclusion. Why leave it out? Because everyone's got their own life within limited time. What he wanted to convey across these four hours, within this flow โ even though I was driving, I got to properly feel it as I listened, and I'm really glad. I could feel it.
After talking about the specifics, he talked about the job, and at the very end, he talked about "the driving force." Four hours is about the length of time that passes when you meet up with someone โ talk and eat, maybe go to a cafรฉ. But when the driving force gets brought out at the very end โ this isn't four hours anymore, it's a flow of talk we've had going since we were 16, 17, 18, this whole ten years, and only then can this conversation finally happen. Realizing that, I got really fired up.
(The driving force โ the energy of "the reason you throw yourself into something," "why you want to throw yourself into it.")
Lately I've been helping various artists in the same way, talking about things like how to show a vertical video in 30 seconds. I'm still not that used to it, though. The density and weight you can convey in something short really is completely different from the weight of something that lands with a thud in your heart over a really, really long time. It's obvious to say "it's different," but. Feeling that, it happened that on the drive home I was in the car and the sunset was gorgeous. Counting all of that in, it was a pretty emo four hours. This is what I wanted to tell you.
So the podcast โ or the talking-while-recording format โ was really interesting to me. Like, another time, when a letter-like piece of writing came from him regularly, I'd get into a mindset of reading it word by word. But audio has this quality of listening while it plays, right. So deliberately putting the listen-while-it-plays specifics in the first half, then stabbing you at the very end. Like an album, or a magazine. Like a film. Feeling, over a long time, what you can't understand in 30 seconds โ right now, that was a really precious experience.
Becoming someone
But really, first of all, congratulations, right. Congratulations meaning โ sure, like deciding on a part-time job, "I'm going here for now," "I'll do this" โ most people can probably do that. But from 16, 17, 18, no, 14, 13, meeting in middle school, going through a little-punk phase, that self who knew nothing about the world, a little punk, a kid, becoming someone who takes responsibility for his own affairs, trying to give the world some kind of answer, or giving up on answering some part of it โ coming all this way, ten years.
At 17, 18, alongside that I was making magazines, making films. Wanting to become someone, a wannabe, and at the same time that self who maybe couldn't become anything but was still standing up against the world, becoming someone bit by bit, partially, like this. Not so much "becoming" as "in the process of becoming." From the progressive tense, gradually turning into established fact โ this life.
There were times we were in frequent touch, and as we each walked different lives, contact became once a season, and when things got busy there were times we didn't talk for a year. And in the meantime, the progressive-tense things turn into past tense too.
In this flow of time, I look in the mirror and think, there's a wrinkle, kind of a spot, my hairline's a concern, and before I knew it I'm pushing thirty. Pushing thirty. Just going on living isn't such a simple thing, huh. It's not only stuff like when some celebrity died โ all kinds of things must have happened close to home too. Even within the drift of life, to properly live and become someone โ recalling all of that, I think, whoa, am I someone whose life is fortunate enough to be listening to a four-hour audio file like this. But โ I do end up thinking about that stuff. So, I'm really not the kind of person who can respond to specific things at a specific level, but I do want to convey that there was this feeling, this way of feeling.
Well, anyway. I came back to Taiwan too โ I say came back, but going to Germany was my own choice, and coming back to Taiwan was my own choice too โ. There really are all kinds of choices in life. But a choice โ sometimes it's a vibe or momentum, and sometimes, before you even make the choice, the choice has already been made, and I'm probably going to become like this, I want to treasure this, I want to protect this, I don't want to protect that โ all these subconscious, latent thoughts, and they bind together and gather into one decision. So listening to him talk, all the earlier specifics, all these many lines connecting and connecting and coming together into one decision. And part of that probably includes old stories that carried a pain so painful you couldn't even recognize the pain.
And what I felt most was that answer he gave at the end, about "the driving force."
(He studied tourism and has taken part in many regional-revitalization projects. In a lecture to children, he was once asked, "Why are you so passionate?" โ that's the episode.)
As his answer to the driving-force question, he used the phrase "my body just moves for someone's sake." This is really what I've been thinking about these past few months โ half a year, a year โ half a year, I guess, since coming back to Taiwan โ thinking about all along.
(At eighteen, after a loss, we felt something a little like despair โ "there won't be anything that can make us throw ourselves in like that again.")
2024 and insistence, music and this land
To go back a bit โ in 2024 I shot 33 MVs, this many in Taiwan, working broadly across not just hip-hop but various major, pop artists. But in the course of really getting into the industry, what I was thinking was โ what stance do I want to be involved with; but that's less about being involved with the industry than "what stance do I hold toward music," and beyond that the industry is just a means, and ultimately how do I want to stay connected. That's where my insistence was, in 2024.
For example, I really have all kinds of gratitude toward Taiwan, part of my identity is here too, and that's exactly why I want to make this place better, thinking about how it could be better. Taiwan really has all kinds of interesting things, fun things, and I want everyone to know about them. Why are there these interesting, fun things? Because this land has all kinds of possibility โ "possibility" sounds a bit sketchy โ because there's all kinds of context particular to this land, and the various cultures born from connecting with that context, and culture includes entertainment, and all kinds of language and culture and history are in this place. And where are they? Right here, Taiwan.
Really, talking with Japanese people, even people who aren't that unintelligent, there are ones who say things like "Taiwan, that's China, right?" Sure, that person might really be dumb, but I've heard it from more than one or two. Taiwan's presence โ of course lots of people know it through the news, through politics โ but as a cultural presence, I think there's a thin side to it too. That's one of the things. And within the hip-hop music I love, and various genres, "are you really connected to this land when you write those lyrics?" โ I love rebel music. Are you really connected to this land when you make this music, make that attitude? โ I had big doubts about that, my own way of thinking, in 2024.
There were all kinds of setbacks in it, people on the opposite side of my thinking. I'll leave out the specifics, but of course there's a kind of fight, times you have to fight, and I wanted to choose to do that. It's just that the flow of that environment, that industry, that music industry, the hip-hop industry, sat somewhere different from my thinking, and I felt "this won't do." "This won't do" meaning โ I want words to hold a soul, I want there to be that person's own language, but there's no criticism there, isn't it just doing commercial. I was really disappointed in that flow. That was part of why I became pretty affirmative about going to Germany. That was a pretty big part. If not for that, I think I'd probably have kept doing more in Taiwan.
Hospitality
And after going to Germany, it was really a two-person relationship, always together with my partner at the time. So it was also a chance to look at myself again. What kind of life I want to live, the little details of life, how kind a person I want to be, or the parts of me that aren't kind. A ten-month "training camp" of facing myself thoroughly. There's a self who can love himself, and a self who can't love himself. I thought I had the courage to love others, but maybe I wasn't actually ready to love others. Anyway, I thought about all kinds of things.
That aside, once I came back to Taiwan, the things important to me suddenly shifted โ from that insistence, insistence on culture, "culture should be like this," toward something more hospitality-leaning. Facing self-love and love for others, rather than the "insistence" I'd been turning over in my head, the direction of actually moving and "being kind" was easier for me to grasp.
There are all kinds of causes and encounters behind this too, but one is a band I've had ties with since around 2024, called DSPS. Listening to all kinds of talk, that band's musical philosophy and direction is wanting to deliver healing to the people who listen โ though they probably aren't thinking "we want to deliver healing." Simply put, healing is always at the core, the center. Say healing and it can turn into "healing-type" stuff, but actually, being the kind of person who can play the role of delivering healing to others isn't so simple, right. Rather than healing, maybe "symbolic music about healing" is a more careful way to put it. But that doesn't mean the concept's been thrown out. There's concept, there's message, and on the extension of that, there's healing as each independent individual.
People who do caregiving, idols, idols who give courage to their fans, people who give healing to an audience. Those people, in a sense, are cutting off a piece of their own life โ of course there's pleasure there, catharsis too, but not only that; there really is the aspect of handing something to others.
I talk about this a lot โ Lily Spacey is popular in Taiwan now, the person from YBSG. That person really lives in that character, that persona, for a lot of their 24 hours. I think it's great. In a ZINE she put out before, she wrote her phone number. "Let's be happy together every day," "If you're not happy, call me." Not just relentlessly up, up โ while also caring about the people who are down, low, playing the up, high self. That kind of "hospitality," in a sense, I really respect right now.
Really, with everyone's various worries scattered all over โ it's not society's fault, not the city's fault (well, it is, though), everyone really has their own private worries, some with worries in the routine of daily life, and some whose worries are so big and so painful that just going on living is hard. Thinking of times like that, the experience of being saved by listening to music, or "this idol's energy is so fun" โ recalling those real experiences, I feel that kind of role is really important, and I have to treasure that side more. I started to shift in this direction.
So for example, when I was in Germany it was really pretty hard โ hard meaning relationship stuff, and maybe the solution is somewhere, but it was really quite hard, and at times like that there was music that saved me. What matters most now, I think, is "hospitality." Though I want to easily say "precisely because it's this kind of era." Post-corona, getting conservative, riding the algorithm โ those are fine too, but for the essential saving of that "worry" part, within "insistence," there really is a part that's hard to bring forward.
The reason the body moves
So really, like he said, I'd just arrived at wanting to treasure that sense of "the body just moving for someone's sake." I'm 28 too, just short of 30, and I have this feeling of finally making it this far. Really twists and turns, all kinds of detours, worrying alone that it's not this, not that, and within the "not that" sometimes hurting people. Precious encounters with people, some of which ended in parting โ all kinds of things โ but the feeling of wanting to move for someone's sake, as a pure feeling, I'd just arrived right there. Even if parting and encounter keep repeating after.
Thinking and listening to all this, I was driving. On the way back from IKEA. The sunset glowing on my right side โ it's not like tears come, but that single straight line, that one line of "having all these worries and arriving here," condensed in an instant in my chest, and then rolling out like across a big grassland. One person, one emotion can't be explained by a single instant, so all the many many many many things of the past packed tightly together โ from all the specifics of the past, to the decision, and back around from there to the driving force. Ahh, this voice memo, it's quite โ like a film, like a magazine, it stirred up a really nostalgic feeling too. That's my impression of my friend's podcast.
Empty-handed, empty-footed
It's just, of course I'm also thinking about whether I make decisions with that much thought myself. Because I split the four-hour tape into four listens, so of course I'd listen for an hour in between, then do something else, spend other time.
Umm. What decisions have I made lately, myself. Of course there was also the attitude of absorbing more by not deciding, raising accuracy by delaying the decision โ though what "accuracy" even is is a question โ not the impulse of the moment, the mistake of the moment, but getting closer to something more accurate by deferring the decision. There was that way of thinking too.
For example, in 2024, 33 MVs in one year. How do you even "do" 33? But back then, and now too, I've got this MV-trainee mindset, so without choosing anything I just did them with a "let me try it for now" feeling. I thought I'd pause that for this year. Of course, coming back to Taiwan, thankfully I do get various shooting offers. It's just that this year, I might not take on MVs as "jobs." I don't really know what'll come of that.
The time freed up from taking jobs โ what do I want to do with it. In that time I feel making music is fun, and putting my thinking into music is fun, so I want to give it shape, even a little. So this year I want to put a bit of energy into music.
But visuals really are โ visual expression has its own depth, the joy of combining various techniques to make something, of being able to do things I never even imagined. But still, when you're doing a job, even when they say "Masuda, I'll leave all the creative to you," an MV in the end is two directors, the music producer and the MV director, a three-legged race. So if you can't resonate with the other person at the level of life, you can't shoot an MV you resonate with at the level of life. Sure, for a cool MV there is kind of a formula, and following it, "I shot cool visuals again" โ maybe you can do that. But for me to resonate with others at the level of life, I too have to hold the kind of gap that lets others resonate with me at the level of life.
(DSPS is that kind of music, I think. That gap โ maybe I was calling it "healing" all along.)
People you can do a three-legged race with and enjoy it aren't that easy to meet, so I want to bet on that side. Anyway, I decided to keep myself empty-handed, empty-footed โ that's my recent decision, I've been doing it since April. Making yourself empty-handed and empty-footed took courage. The pressure of having to climb up, faster, faster, is inevitably there in a corner of my head. I don't know what's up there after I climb, but for now, without thinking about anything, I keep climbing.
Uniqueness
Beyond my own stuff, my own music, there are about three things I'm curious about right now.
One โ after coming back to Taiwan, talking with the people at Sunchoya, I heard about DIY, the DIY thing. It's true, when Sunchoya's gone on seven, eight years, its own color emerges. It happened to walk a history of not cozying up to commercial. This posture of really treasuring the color that's yours, that's only ours โ I think that's important now. Last year, the year before, honestly there was also the question of how I could stretch out my hands, stretch out my feet, put down deeper roots. But thinking about it now, if you're going to do it at Taiwan's scale, you treasure something like uniqueness.
Why treasure it? Because uniqueness isn't something you can make just by trying to make it. With Reels too, everyone tries to come up with new tricks, all the Reels creators working hard, but I don't think that's uniqueness. You have your own life, the lives of others close to you, or a once-distant life crossing here โ and crossing, unlike just passing by, is different โ crossing, and in this moment the thing that only this person and this person could make, and it continues on for a long time. Sure, there's uniqueness in the thing that pops out right then too, but when it continues on for a long time, that's what becomes uniqueness โ that's how I interpret it. That's the wealth of a life, the abundance. Sunchoya is part of it too, I think, and so is what I want to express now, what I've been expressing all along.
And really, it's the people around me I've met on this journey โ I want to listen to that person's uniqueness too. To resonate with that person's life, and to share what I've learned through blood and sweat with them too. That person's uniqueness, what they wanted to get in their life, and what I've learned โ what happens if I cross them there โ I'm really interested in that. It sounds abstract, I know.
Born from the "mother," an album
To put it very concretely, this year ็พๆฉ's album is scheduled for release. About twelve demos are basically done, and though it's still at the production stage, I'm really looking forward to it.
็พๆฉ โ those who know, know โ has a grandmother born and raised in the Japanese colonial era, and ็พๆฉ was raised by that grandmother. So her Japanese roots are there too. But Taiwan is really complex โ from the Japanese colonial era, the era of Japanese, to the Republic of China, and tracing further back, Taiwanese โ Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, and then recently English, right. Everyone speaks way better English than Japanese people, familiar with it since kindergarten. She made an album that handles those four languages really naturally. Language is just one facet of it.
The theme is "being born from the mother." But the way something continues on, in terms of thought, is from top to bottom. Yet life, after all, is that there's a mother, a father, and yourself, right. What you receive from your mother continuing downward โ overlaying that with Taiwan, this island, to make it โ it's quite a precious album.
Of course, there are albums, works, you can make on feeling alone. But this one is ็พๆฉ, and not just ็พๆฉ โ an album packed with the lives of all kinds of people over a long span. There's Japanese in it, all kinds of memories of talking with ็พๆฉ in Japanese, and things I learned from ็พๆฉ. I really am conscious of being part of this slice of life in ็พๆฉ's album. And that's uniqueness โ sorry, I'm using "uniqueness" by my own definition right now โ I want to protect that precious thing, protect, or rather properly take part in it, though "take part" sounds off too, I want to make the flower bloom properly, and as one of the people who's there, properly contribute what I can here. That's the feeling.
So for that, releasing it, the MV matters too, the A&R and such matter too, and all kinds of details. Just releasing the track, how the file works, how the upload works โ there are those concrete parts too, but โ properly taking part in the affairs of the people right in front of me, around me โ going through all kinds of industry until now, good things bad things, unpleasant things, though there weren't that many unpleasant things, the reward of gritting my teeth, that it can finally be used for the people around me โ that becomes one answer to "why did I do all that back then."
It's not that I've been doing things everyone can do but I didn't want to do. There are people who've always loved that kind of industry, and I'm not wearing a mask about it either โ I do have that side too. But ultimately, I want to resonate with that kind of philosophy, and I love works that bloom from there โ so for ็พๆฉ's MV and such, I've freed up my body a bit. That's one.
The first album and its message
And another one โ there's an important person named ๆ ๆฝ who I lived with until the end of May, and in August she's doing a solo play. Talking about this gets crazy long. This time I got to take part in a theater company a little for the first time. Originally I badmouthed Taiwan's music industry a lot (laughs), thinking maybe everyone's making stuff without thinking much about concept. Rather than concept, wearing the clothes some industry-planning person thought up, "this time it's this kind of vibe" โ that industry style where the concept follows afterward, I don't really like.
This isn't just industry people โ even in so-called hip-hop, places that claim "we think properly," I feel they're eroded by industry planning, by trends. What's going on. Sure, music that feels good to the ear matters too, but after all, what you want to convey, what you truly want to convey, what you want to convey in this life, what you want to convey even at the sacrifice of your own existence โ I do end up caring about that, so I can't really resonate with works heavy on entertainment value. I used to think that was the music industry โ or that music works just head that way โ that's what I thought.
But actually taking part in the theater company meetings โ there's the play, sure, but indeed, without concept, without the concept being properly articulated, a play doesn't hold up in the first place, does it. To convey this concept, take this method, with this structure, proceeding this way, wanting the audience to feel this way โ if that whole line isn't one straight line, the play doesn't hold up. That element felt even stronger than in music. I really just took part in a few meetings, but I was deeply moved. I see โ indeed I'd been fixated on music and visuals, but there's so much you won't understand unless you take part in a really different form of expression, unless you reach out and touch it. It was a really fresh feeling.
(Concept, and method, and that choice. How much does it matter? The communication with the band on the "ๅจๆ่้ปๅฅ" MV reminded me of this.)
That aside โ this, talking about the theme gets long. Long meaning โ in theater there's a culture called the solo. A person who takes part in various theater companies faces their own theme and does a solo, a one-person performance. I thought that was a pretty interesting culture too. So it's like a first album. I've known ๆ ๆฝ about six years, heard all kinds of her worries, and the worry parts connect to the theme. Thinking you were loved, but maybe that wasn't love. Within doubt, facing the existence of "the self." A strange incident like someone she thought was just an ordinary audience member saying "I always thought I was your girlfriend." The self and others, and the self and mother, the childhood self and the current self, the self you want to be, the self you don't want to be. Total strangers, and people close to you. People you want to love, people you loved. When thinking about the single existence that is "the self," all kinds of ranges of things have to be thought through and faced continually, while hurting. This is a big deal, right.
Getting to take part in a person's "first album" is really an honor, I think. A first album is packed with that person's life, all kinds of messages, but from the second album on you don't really know what to say, or you've said everything you wanted to say โ that's common, right. There are messages there, all kinds of other messages after the first album, I think, but still, we end up with the value of thinking all the message is packed into the album.
So ็พๆฉ's album, and ๆ ๆฝ's thing too, I feel they're really precious. In Even Smaller, which I made first of all and never released, there's stuff really important to my worldview from back then to now, and sometimes I listen back and I'm still in conversation with the self of that time. Where did the self of that time come from? Things I thought during the process of growing up, within the changes of the city, the environment and myself getting bigger and smaller โ that important first point, and in that first point, there's all kinds of observation packed in.
Getting to take part in that kind of opportunity is really quite precious. I want to be someone whose life can properly take part in, help with, accompany that kind of opportunity. Saying I want to live that kind of life is a bit much, but there was also the sense of wanting to keep my hands free.
Of course, if I said I'd keep going as an MV director, working hard I could push visual expression even further โ that's not impossible. But this is probably just my personality. Originally I made magazines, shot films, then thought I'd do music, and then MVs โ trying out all kinds of expression on a foundation of philosophy, that's the life. So MVs, maybe for now, distance will grow going forward. I don't know โ maybe somewhere I'll meet something that fires me up again, and the ties will connect back. And I think I'll meet magazines and film again too. There's no special farewell or anything.
Originally, around the end of the Heisei era, when I came to Taiwan at 19, I think I was running ahead of the Taiwanese people my age around me in terms of message, thought, philosophy. But everyone became really able to organize the messages in their own lives, and I myself changed from my original message, my message changed, and I could connect with everyone in different ways, could talk about all kinds of things โ and that makes me happy now, joyful. For that kind of conversation and action, I want to be someone who can keep his body free.
New home, music, AI
Since moving into the new place, I've made a lot of music for the first time in a while, calling people over to try making "the kind of music I've always wanted to make," talking about nothing in particular, being entrusted with people's worries.
(Lately, I'm hooked on vibe coding. Vibe coding means writing code with AI. Writing code "by vibe.")
But for some people, what they'd wonder is probably "what's the point of making music." Like software or DX within regional revitalization. There's the concreteness of helping with something by making something, really. Politics, business, academia โ there are all kinds of ways to change the world. But I think that's a matter of fate. And I think it also comes down to what's in the various experiences that have moved me. For me, among all kinds of experiences, there happened to be music, there happened to be language. Though it doesn't have to be music, of course. Whether that's healing, or whether there's a different answer there, whether it can change a person. Compared to the infrastructure, services, systems moving all kinds of society, maybe it's not big at all. But whether I want to head in a big direction, or whether it's fine to do it on a stage like music โ I really don't have an answer yet either. I'm not planning to force out an answer. Anyway, I guess I'm somewhere mid-journey, learning all kinds of methods.
And the AI thing touched on midway through that voice memo was easy to understand too. AI provides solutions but doesn't provide understanding. That's so true. Actually, right now, when work-related questions come in, sometimes I copy-paste that LINE message and throw it to Claude without understanding it. But that might mean there's a part of me that doesn't want to understand it with my own head. Like I want to save the head-resources for understanding for something else.
Leaving "understanding" aside, if all you learn toward AI is to operate the keyboard with an empty head, the experience of something getting solved without doing anything piles up, and that sense can end up naturally failing to work at the sites where you have to understand, in relationships โ that can happen, so you have to be careful. This is a bit of a preventive way of putting it. But it's so convenient, and humans probably have this part where they can't infinitely stop with tech like this.
By the way, I really like Claude. It keeps all the past context properly, so it has the presence of a friend with a good memory. GPT totally forgets, right. Learning AI's, AI's good points, while learning old-school different ways, different modes of expression โ that's my life lately, I guess. But no matter how infinite Claude's memory and context-keeping becomes, I think it still can't, like a friend, suddenly tell you some small, chuckle-worthy thing that wasn't memorized in anyone's memory โ that humor. It can imitate, but at the level of life it can't embody it. The kind of thing that makes you chuckle.
Just a little
So โ everyone, find time to come play in Taiwan too. I can guide you way better than before, I can take you all kinds of places now. I just want to space out, really. Sure, there's "take me to some tourist spot," but I just want to space out together. Whether it's Taiwan or Japan, Germany or Thailand. After all, I want to space out together for a few days, and then resonate hugely with the words that pop out after that. More often than not, that's the only thing I want to resonate with. When you've known each other more than ten years, the weight of words is different again โ that's what I'd been thinking.
(So โ with everyone reading this too, five years, ten years, I want to keep knowing each other long, long, and resonate about all kinds of things.)
I got a little sleepy.
How to put it, what to do, what to do โ I can't quite find a way to wrap this up. Anyway, I pray for everyone's health. Call, message, LINE message, whatever โ get in touch. Thanks for watching.